Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt sucks at picking up women.

Yeah, you heard me. Brad Pitt sucks at picking up women.

Now, you might read this and laugh, thinking I’m a delusional, pompous ass. Well, I’m going to take it a step further, and I’m going to say this: I am better at picking up women than Brad Pitt.

Now, you might ask yourself, Tim, how many women have you been with?

And I would reply, first off, its really none of your business. But since I brought up the subject, I will answer your question. Not many, not many at all. Definitely not as many as Brad Pitt, definitely not as many as Ed Norton, and probably not as many as Steven Spielberg. Maybe more than Danny Devito. Maybe not.

Now how am I better at picking up women than Brad Pitt?

I am. Because I don’t have the fortune, the looks, or the fame. I’ve struggled to seduce, sweet talk, and finagle my way into the hearts and minds of every woman I’ve dated. I’ve learned how to adapt my game, maximize my potential, be all that I can be – in short, I’ve struggled like a mofo yet I’ve delivered the goods to the table and consistently outkicked my coverage. Granted, it's not that difficult when the bar is set pretty low, but I think I've done pretty well considering that I'm unemployed and have awful taste in clothes.

How does Brad Pitt pick up women? He stands there, and wiggles a little finger. Hundreds, no - make that thousands - actually, make that millions - of women come to him easily, without effort, thanks to the fortune blessed upon him by God. Women crow about him on a daily basis. “Oh, he’s beautiful.” I’ve had one woman say that to me randomly in my entire lifetime – and there’s a good probability she was on copious amounts of drugs, or alcohol, or both.

But the point is, I’ve persisted with the few tools I’ve got - mainly with a lot of charm and a little bit of alcohol. And if you ask Brad Pitt how to pick up women, odds are pretty good that he’ll answer ‘Just stand there, and the women will come.” If you ask me, you’ll get a longer story. A much better story. A story that’s forged by trial and error, years of experience, and compounded wisdom.

And that’s why I’m better at picking up women more than Brad Pitt.